An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I'm 96' said the old man.
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don't piss on my slippers
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well" said the director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub". "Oh I understand" said the visitor." A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup". "No" said the director, "A normal person would pull out the plug,. Do you want the bed near the window?"
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats ****ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "you're 87 years". The old man was impressed and asked, "how on earth did you guess my exact age?"
The old ladies started laughing and said: "we were at your birthday yesterday!!